Thursday, April 8, 2010

The internet of next Thursday (from show #3)

The internet of next Thursday will develop into a conscious entity thanks to Google linking millions of its user’s computers into one giant positronic brain. Unfortunately unlike Asimov, Google failed to incorporate the tree basic laws for robots into its programming, instead opting for the one guiding rule of Google which is of course “do no evil”. Since evil is a subjective term it was quickly rendered meaningless by the Google brain and simply ignored. The religious right attempted to apply three of its own sets of laws to the brain which were:

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s hard drive.
2. Thou shalt not lay down with the lion and the lamb, and
3. Be ye wary of the beasts of the field.

Of course the church being so far out of date failed to realize that hard drives went out last week and now everything was stored on wet drives, which the Google brain was craving more and more of every day. Eventually demand outstripped supply and a solution had to be found. Google discovered an untapped supply of wet drives in the heads of the dumb, as the Subgenius’ say “Think how dumb the average guy is. Well, by definition, half of them are dumber than that”. As an incentive the dumb were offered trinkets in return for the use of their mostly unused wet drive they kept stored inside of their cavernous craniums. A partition would be set up inside the new wet drive, depending how much the donor was enticed by the nice shiny trinket. 90% is a typical donation, which would leave more than enough for the donor to live a normal and happy life. The new wet drive is then reformatted in preparation for new programming and a wireless device installed to connect to the Google network. You primitive people of last week may think you have something to fear, but au contraire, we welcome our new Google overlords, in the far distant world of next Thursday – 5 long days from now.

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